Top Thirteen Worst Film Sequels

Sequels are the natural enemy of all fans of originality, only occasionally will they allow one to past but usually a sequel is so fucking heinous or unnecessary to the series that they need to and must tear it apart, which is exactly what I am doing here. Well, that and belittling my previous article/post/random jibber-jabber. And there are so many terrible sequels that I am compelled to show off my manliness and massive balls by counting down the THIRTEEN worst film sequels of all time (or just today), why thirteen? Because I have balls of steel. So let’s venture into this horrible and degenerate land:

'Dead or alive, I'm reading your Miranda Rights'

13. RoboCop 3

I wouldn’t exactly call RoboCop a ‘masterpiece’ but it is definitely an entertaining film with an unobtrusive commentary on mega corporations, and the second film was equally entertaining. The third film wasn’t terrible, which is why it’s really high on this list, but it was really, incredibly boring. How boring, you ask; I watched it from start to finish, then watched it again immediately afterwards and I completely forgot what the film’s narrative was, I had to look on Wikipedia to a get a fucking summary. And the violence and humour of the previous two films has been extremely water downed and the guy chosen to replace Peter Weller was a terribly miscast because, despite the fact that RoboCop only shows a square inch of flesh, I could instantly tell it was a different actor and was distracted by this very off-putting casting choice.

'OMG, Universal Health Care, LOL'

12. Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde

Not a terrible sequel because the first film was not a brilliant film; it was entertaining and charming and one of the few ‘chick flicks’ I can watch. It’s impossible not to find Reese Witherspoon’s ditzy character lovable and charming, as she tries to prove herself by earning a Harvard Law degree, all the while creating blonde stereotypes and gleefully tearing them down like a sadistic Jenga player. The sequel was exactly the same but without any charm, and the pink starts to wear you down. I mean, a bright pink, blonde woman is the stupidest thing to attend congress since George W. Bush. Oh, zing.

'These leather coats and sunglasses are useless, but cool'

11. The Matrix Revolutions

This film, like RoboCop 3, isn’t a terrible film, but is a prime example of how sequels usually water down the interesting and intelligent premise of their predecessor, and replace it with repetitive action. The premise of The Matrix was quite intelligent and thought provoking,  it could rival the narrative and plot of Blade Runner; in the film we find out that everything we consider reality is all just a computer programmed simulation, and there are a group of resistance fighters who want release the Matrix’s grip on humanity and the few action scenes were tense, exciting, well shot and choreographed and didn’t distract us from the plot and, of course, it was responsible for the ‘bullet time’ effect. And that is what Matrix Revolutions focuses on. Not ’what is really reality and how we be sure the place that claims to be reality actually be reality?’ but mostly tedious, sporadic, abundant and SLOW fight scenes that make Captain Kirk’s fights seem like stuff of legend.

'Why doesn't this end like Boys Don't Cry?'

10. The Next Karate Kid

Say what you like about The Karate Kid III, at least the villains were enjoyable. They were so over-the-top and unrealistic they were just downright goofy and funny. The villain in this film, however, was some over-zealous high school PE teacher who encourages his students to beat the everlasting shit out of each other and near the end, tells one of his students to kill someone. Plus, there’s no karate championship and Hillary Swank is so unappealing; acting like a complete and utter bitch for unexplained reasons, possibly to do with the death of her mother and father in a car accident, a plot element revealed in the worst sentence of stilted exposition.

'The second dimension is more entertaining'

9. Jaws 3 (Jaws 3D)

Many will say that Jaws: the Revenge is a worse film than Jaws 3. But then, it is a sequel to a bad sequel, but it does have some moments of stupidity that need mentioning; like how the shark is stalking and killing each members of the Brady family (seriously?) and how Ellen has flashback to scenes of the first film see wasn’t present at. But Jaws 3 is just as bad; the film is focused on cheap thrills, clichés and nothing relating to the previous films; five short 3D scenes that you would only see if you travelled back in time to the film’s original release because they don't seem to work or appear on the DVD; horrible special effects and boring plot. When people try to tell you not to get excited about 3D, this is why.

'Fans of this film don't even get this joke; too intelligent for them'

8. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

This film is dumb and will make you dumberer all for watching it. It is nothing but an unfunny and retarded cinematic abortion, while the first film was dumb, it was hilarious and entertaining. This sequel has absolutely no entertainment, just casual racism and retreading Jim Carrey’s lines from the first film. And to add more insult; Eugene Levy is in this film as it’s villain, an actor whose only good credit was American Pie; the film that made sure he was continuously cast as a ‘down-with-the-kids’, sexually open, awkward Jewish dad.

'Tonight on Crossed Armed Opposites; Connor becomes a warrior and Ramirez left the toilet seat up, again'

7. Highlander II: The Quickening

Highlander was a damn good film, okay I’ll admit it did seem cheesy and ludicrous and was possible just a vehicle to help Queen sell albums, but, dammit, it was a good film. It’s plot was imaginative, yet simple; there are a group of people who are, for reasons unknown, immortal and can only die when they are beheaded, and at some point in the future, they will all have to fight each other for the Prize, an unknown ultimate power that must be won by someone good because it is foreshadowed that if it falls into evil hands, the universe will be in trouble.
The eponymous hero of the film was Connor MacLeod, a Scottish Highlander who soon found out he was immortal and then was tutored by Sean Connery playing an Egyptian who pretends to be a Spaniard called Ramirez, so that MacLeod can stop the Prize falling in evil hands. The whole maxim of the film was ‘There can be only one’ and that’s exactly what happens; MacLeod gets the prize. So how can you make a sequel to something more tightly closed than a virgin’s c…sexual orifice? Well, by completely forgetting everything that was established in the previous film and make up your own shit. In Highlander II, it is revealed that all Immortals are from an alien planet, but are actually mortal there, whereas they are immortal on Earth for no adequately explained reason and their real names are actually MacLeod and Ramirez, again, for no adequately explained reason. The problem with this is that it makes no sense and makes us ask questions about the established canon of the first film; why doesn’t MacLeod recognise Ramirez in the first film? Why does neither MacLeod nor Ramirez have any memory of the planet they were freedom fighters on? Where did the Kurgan come from? Why does MacLeod need combat training when he’s an intergalactic freedom fighter? It is just such a massive plot hole that it becomes a plot chasm. Still, the acting of Dr. Cox as the CEO asshole and General Katana were enjoyable and all recent releases of Highlander II cut any references to the alien planet, but it’s very hard to forget something so stupid.

'The prototype poster had Weaver choking the screenwriter'

6. Alien 3

Like Jaws: the Revenge, Alien Resurrection is just a sequel to a terrible sequel. It’s supposed to fail, the only time that law is broken is in the world of video game sequels. Alien 3 commits so many serious crimes against humanity that it makes the sentences past in the Nuremburg Trials seem a bit harsh. First; the film seems to grievously mischaracterise Ripley from a strong, independent female who can defeat a creature evolved to be the ultimate survivor and it’s queen, to a simpering, weak woman who just happens to be ‘pregnant’ and can hardly fight a small gang of rapists. Then, there’s the fact that the established characters of Hicks, Newt and Bishop are killed off-screen. Now, I’m not against character deaths, but I am if they are unnecessary. But if they are necessary, at least give the death scene some fucking screen time and bravado, especially for characters we’ve grown to love from the previous film. Also, why the tea-sipping hell is the entire population of the prison the entire British population of the universe? Well, not all; the heroic and morally good ones are, obviously, American.

'You may remember these actors from 'How to Destroy a Franchise''

5. Highlander: The Source

I know there is a Highlander sequel in this list, but the Highlander series has been so brutally beaten up by everything associated with it (except the anime film) that I promised myself I would limit myself to two Highlander sequels. Highlander: The Source is a sequel to Highlander: Endgame, the fourth Highlander film that tried to connect the films to the half-arsed TV series. In The Source, a sudden MacGuffin is introduced that supposedly all Immortals have knowledge of, but is never mentioned until the fifth film. This mini-holocaust of sequels destroys everything iconic about the Highlander series; there is no epic sword fights; no quickening or beheadings; Connor MacLeod’s famous katana is destroyed and tossed aside; the rule of ‘no Immortals may fight on holy ground’ is completely forgotten and there is a crappy, half-arsed cover of Queen’s title song for the series; 'Princes of the Universe'. Oh, and it turns out in order to acquire ‘the Source’, an Immortal must refused to kill another Immortal, which makes all the previous deaths for the Prize and other reasons completely pointless…yep, Ramirez death was completely pointless and had no baring on the plot, oh wait, yes it fucking did. And ‘the Source’ is complete bullshit. All it is, is the ability to have one child with one random woman we don’t recognise. And also, this wasn’t direct-to-DVD; no it was a Sci-Fi Channel (Oh sorry, SyFy Channel) original movie, which have all been complete crap that everyone chooses to forget. What were we talking about?

'How dare they put Liam Neeson behind Jake Lloyd, morons'

4. Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace

While Episode I: The Phantom of the Opera may be a prequel, that still counts as a sequel and the reason it is worse than Episode III is a couple of reasons. Firstly; it contains Jake Lloyd, whose acting talent is unable to go beyond ‘fold arms naturally’; then there’s the obvious racist, annoying character of Jar Jar Binks; the weak-ass, BORING battles; the introduction of the midi-chlorians which makes us question how the fuck a specific number of specific germs can produce lightning hands or force choke; the creepy chemistry between  Amidala and Anakin and there’s the opening crawl text teaching us about the socio-economical situation of the galaxy far, far away and the heavy taxation. This is Star Wars not a conservative talk show.

'Superman has found those weapons of mass destruction'

3. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

Superman the Movie is a good and entertaining film with spell-binding special effects, but there was bit too much of a focus on romance and Lex Luthor was lacking much needed character development. Superman II was a bit of the same, but had more action and the awesome hammy acting of Terence Stamp as General ‘KNEEL!!!’ Zod. Superman III decided to focus more on comedy, well…I say comedy but Sinbad was funnier than the jokes in this schlock. And it made Richard Pryor, a man who I consider not only one of the funniest stand up acts ever but also one of the funniest actors ever, unfunny. How in the name of St. Buddha did they do that?
But the fourth film was so terrible; the acting was ‘meh’; the main villain was ‘meh’ and a bit too stupid; the addition of five billion subplots was a bit disorientating; the main plot of Superman forcibly taking every nation’s nuclear weapons, without thinking that such an action may make it possible for NATO and the Soviet Union to fight with conventional weapons on Continetial Europe, or that Israel will have nothing to stop nations that don’t recognise it’s sovereignty from invading it, is a bit stupid and preachy; and the film makes science cry. And I don’t mean advanced science like quantum physics or molecular science that a person would only find out after reading the goofs on IMDB, I mean basic science that anyone above the age of ten should know, like; a cape can’t flap in space; you cant speak in space; you can’t just move the fucking moon and expect no catastrophic consequences and you CAN’T….BREATHE…IN SPACE!! I’ll let Superman and Batman get away with it, but a random woman in a turtleneck jumper with matching blazer and skirt with high heels should have decompressed and died in the vacuum of space.

'Oh, and Jack Black is in it....WHAT?!!!'

2. The Neverending Story III

The Neverending Story is a brilliant children’s film that can be equally enjoyed by adults, which I believe to be the mark of a good children’s films. It was imaginative, fantastical, had interesting characters and a brilliant storyline. The sequel, The Neverending Story II, seemed clunky and very unnecessary, but still keeping a pinch worth of imagination to make it mediocre.
This sequel, however, is just fucking terrible, it rapes all sense of childhood you ever had. It is the film equivalent of a Rule 34 picture. So what is bad about it? Well; Bastion isn’t really a hero because he doesn’t do anything; the villains are called ‘The Nasty’ (Calling them Hitler Youth would be subtle); Falkor is reduce from a wise and optimistic character with sophisticated puppetry to a bumbling idiot who looks like something a cosplayer wouldn’t wear; the Rock Biter is turned into a rejected sitcom character with a wife who’s gender is very suspicious; events of the previous film being completely forgotten and probably the most terrible crime it could commit is the lack of the iconic 'Neverending Story' song, instead you get a shit cover of 'Born To Be Wild' sung by the Rock Biter….I’m completely fucking serious. The second film had the song even if just for a couple of seconds, but still had it.

'Was the poster not enough a warning to how fucking stupid this film is?'

1. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2

While this is, like Alien Resurrection and Jaws: The Revenge, a sequel to a terrible film, it needs to be acknowledged. But I don’t know what to say about this…..this piece of shit. This film made me think alright, it made me think if anyone really cares about a critic’s opinion. The first one was so viciously panned by critics, but that doesn’t matter, it made money, so let’s make another brain numbing film. I’m not even going to describe this film or the film before or what is wrong with it. The film made me lose three-quarters of my brain matter and intelligence and I feel typing about it will make me lose all intelligence and would be an insult to your intelligence. I watched it because the premise was so stupid, it might transcend stupidity and be genius. But no, it is just fucking stupid, its IQ is in negative decimal numbers. Everyone involved with this film should never be allowed to be involved in any other film ever again. Not only is it the worst fucking sequel of all-time, it is possibly the worst fucking film of all-time

And those are my personal choices. Will I completely invalidate myself by making a list about good sequels? Wait…I already did, didn’t I?

Anyway, I’m Random Internet Critic and I criticise it because your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance, well they’re no friends of mine.