Shoot 'Em Up (2007)

The shoot ‘em up (or shmup) is one of my favourite genres of video games because of their almost unforgiving arcade challenge and their simplicity. Coincidentally, the Michael Davis film Shoot ‘Em Up has become one of my favourite action films. Why? Because it is just so goddamn insane and tries to be nothing more than a balls-to-the-wall action flick with gun fights that are so erotic, you could call it ‘gunsploitation’.

The plot is very inconsequential. It’s nice it’s there, but it is nothing more than a device to connect one gunfight to another. It concerns an unknown man naming himself ‘Mr. Smith’ (Clive Owen) who aids a pregnant women being chased by an armed madman. In the middle of it all, she gives birth and ‘Smith’ tries to find the baby a home, but instead leaves the child in the care of a lactating Italian prostitute Donna “D.Q.” Quintano (Monica Bellucci). All the while, ‘Smith’ is trying to find out why a podgy bastard named Karl Hertz (Paul Giamatti) is trying to kill him and the baby. It turns out the baby is part of some government conspiracy.
The characters of ’Smith’ and Heinz are both completely enjoyable; ‘Smith’ is the archetypal “grumpy, old man”, hating everything and making sure the nearest person knows and is able to spout the most badass one-liners worthy of Schwarzenegger; while Heinz is this calm and cold bastard who passes off the constant slaughter of his nameless minions as a minor annoyance or treating accidentally shooting a woman as accidentally hitting a person with a pie in a pie fight. And they both have a humorous chemistry that makes us think they should be buddies.

The plot and characters are very basic, but the main attractions are the action scenes. I knew this film was going to be kick-ass by the very first action scene; it began with ‘Smith’ sticking a carrot in a guy’s mouth then jamming on the carrot so it pierces his head, and ‘Smith’ calmly says “eat your vegetables”. After that I knew I was going to enjoy the rest and I was correct. After killing a man with a carrot, there is a beautifully choreographed gunfight (just think Swan Lake with guns) and in the middle of all this, the pregnant women goes into labour and ‘Smith’ has to deliver the baby while still shooting an unlimited number of henchmen.
Another scene has a gunfight in the sky….that’s right, ‘Smith’ dives out of a plane and is pursued by other skydivers with automatic weaponry, ending with the combination of man and helicopter blades.
The action scenes are just excellent; they may be vulgar and violent, but they’re entertaining, brilliantly acted and FUCKING awesome.

If you’re looking for an action film that tries to be nothing more than an action film, then get Shoot ‘Em Up. It does it with such pride that you can imagine the tears going down Bruce Willis’ face. It’s awesome and tense, bullet ridden, funny and awesome, and the acting is quite damn fine. Sure, it’s not going to be challenging cinema or change the way we view life and society but that wasn’t the film’s intention. But it did teach us something; never fuck with Clive Owen when he has a carrot.

I’m Random Internet Critic and I criticise it because I can’t decide whether you should live or die.