Postal (2007)

What to say about German director Uwe Boll? Only that he is possibly the worst director of all time and that’s including Ed Wood and Bruno Mattei. Most of his films are based on video games and that should spell it all out since every single FUCKING video game film adaptation has failed…miserably. He also intentionally makes sure his films suck so that he can exercise a German tax law that allows investors to have a tax write-off if a German-owned film lost money. In 2005, that law was changed and that meant that Boll would have to put real effort in his films to get more funding and money, and guess what, his films are still crap. Well, except for one; a film based on a video game directed by Uwe Boll that has become one of my favourite films. I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out.

Let’s talk about the source material, since this is kind of the only film to follow its source material, especially video game film adaptations. Postal was a third-person shooter released in 1997 by Running With Scissors, Inc. The name comes from the social phenomenon known as ’going postal’, where a person goes on a killing spree, usually in their workplace, and itself is named after a number of postal workers going on killing sprees in the United States. In the game, you play the titular ‘Postal Dude’; a chap whose become a bit peeved off at the world and decides the only way the world will know his dissatisfaction is by committing mass murder and all deeds gory. It was controversial to say the least, I mean the second one had you pissing on terrorists and one weapon was an infected cow's head. The games were awesome and entertaining and, at the moment, we await the third game in the series.

In the story of the film, we follow the Postal Dude (Zack Ward) as he tries to get through a morning only to be mocked in a job interview, not getting his unemployment benefit and finds out his morbidly obese wife is cheating on him. Earlier, he visits his uncle, Uncle Dave (Dave Foley), a conman who has started a doomsday cult to get money and women. Uncle Dave has a plan to steal valuable dolls in the shape of scrotum called ‘Krotchies’. Little does Uncle Dave know, but Osama bin Laden (Larry Thomas AKA The Soup Nazi from Seinfeld) has plans to use the Krotchy dolls to top 9/11. Soon, the Postal Dude is facing off Al-Qaeda, the police, Uwe Boll himself, members of Uncle Dave’s cult and the people of his hometown and the only people aiding him are a coffee barista, Faith (Jackie Tohn) and two hot female cult roadies. Yeah, that’s a bit of a brief summary but there are mostly action scenes than plot and I want you to see those awesome scenes for yourself.

Most of film’s humour is quite like South Park; based around crudeness and vulgarity and pushing the limits of good taste and decency, and this film does it delightfully. One wonderful scene has a shoot-out in a pseudo-Oktoberfest between the Postal Dude with Uncle Dave, Al-Qaeda, the police and mascots, but the humour comes from two bits; the first being Uwe Boll appearing as himself and being attacked by Postal creator Vince Desiderio; the second is during the gun fight, we get to see all the children at the Not-Oktoberfest get shot and the films knows how to do such a thing so it’s funny. At one point, there is a little girl with pig tails, holding a giant spiral lollipop and just has an innocent and wonderful smile and then her chest is shredded with bullets. Another humorous point is having all people, even the coffee barista, to be carrying powerful guns, it is especially funny to see some kid firing a M60 machine gun that he pulled the fuck out of nowhere. Another funny part is portraying Osama bin Laden as an American with a very close relationship to George W. Bush, which leads to possible the funniest ending that you must see.

The two criticisms I can give this film is that the acting is terrible but then that’s par for the course for an Uwe Boll and that it was totally unnecessary for me to see Dave Foley’s penis. I know you’re trying to be crude, but there are limits. I’m okay with you showing in visceral detail children being gunned down, but not Dave Foley’s Johnson, you could have least asked if I wanted to blur out Dave Foley’s staff. I’m okay with Verne Troyer being raped by monkeys, but not seeing what Dave Foley is packing.

I absolutely love this film. Oh, don’t worry, this film does not redeem Uwe Boll in the slightest: he has made crappy films and still is. But, if you have a cinema snob friend who claims every Uwe Boll film sucks, mention this film and watch their perception of reality crumble before them. The film is unbelievably rude, crude and vulgar, but also funny, entertaining and pushing the limits of what you can put on film. So, bring this round and be the toast of the evening while your broken friend cries in the corner while in the foetal position questioning the very nature of existence.

I’m Random Internet Critic and I criticise it because she wrote upon it: Return to sender, address unknown.